reality rant

man in the mirror

2011-10-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

In the trial of Dr. Conrad Murray, prosecutors showed an image of Michael Jackson's dead, naked body sprawled on a gurney -- taken hours after the singer died. The date on the tiles read August 25th, 2009, but the date should read June 25th. As if that makes it better. This is the second time the prosecution has shown Michael's dead body in court. For opening arguments, Jackson was shown in a hallway on a gurney immediately after being pronounced dead.

a royal mess

2011-03-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

As the wedding date approaches, Royal Wedding souvenirs are flooding the market. This exquisite mug with an inscription that reads, “The fairytale romantic union of all the centuries. 29th April 2011” has all the sentiment correct, but unfortunately features a picture of Future Princess Smiles-A-Lot and her future brother-in-law, Prince Harry (aka The Ginger Prince). Designed by a Chinese firm, the company is apparently registered in Britain, but doesn't seem to have a grasp on the Queen's English. The ad reads, “Please be our guests to own this esteemed, limited edition heirloom to celebrate with your work associates, friends, family and loved ones on 29th April 2011.” The company adds, perhaps somewhat hopefully: “You are welcome to purchase now to avoid disappointment and regret.”

bobby is bobbin'

2011-03-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown has fired back at a National Enquirer story alleging Brown snorted cocaine at a party. The singer's daughter wrote on Twitter that "a former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes..But it's really not what it looks like.. People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I'm very hurt by this." The Enquirer photo spread shows Bobbi Kristina snorting a white substance. You can't blame the girl, those nostrils are part of her superhuman DNA.

downtown brown

2011-03-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

A newly blonde Chris Brown stopped by a local LA radio station and confirmed the leaked nude photos that recently surfaced on the internet are indeed Breezy himself. When asked by the radio crew about the pics, Chris said the pics are indeed of him. He says he was just out of the shower and decided to treat a lady friend to a sneak peek of his low hanging fruit. Brown says he's not ashamed of his body and doesn't regret the pictures either. He also made sure to point out he wasn't fully at attention in the picture. With a dick like that, who needs an umbrella, ella ella?(Source)

photobomb of the week

2011-01-08T12:40:00.000-08:00

Never mind Victoria Silvstedt...who is that super fucking hot brick shithouse lounging on the right?
(Source)

weir here, weir queer...get used to it.

2011-01-07T06:15:00.000-08:00

That's right, bitches. Glitter Loving, Disco Skating, Streisand Ticket Holding, Friend of Dorothy, Ice Queen Johnny Weir is gayer than Elton John singing at Rush Limbaugh's wedding.

one guy, one cup

2011-01-07T06:11:00.000-08:00

Designer Andrew Christian has created The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief. These revolutionary men's brief feature a soft hidden cup, sculpted into a penis shape, that adds around 2 inches to a guy's frontal measurement for those cold winter days when shrinkage occurs. "Guys want underwear that looks natural, feels great and makes them feel confident," says Christian. If looking like you have a soft-serve cone in your chonies is natural, then serve me up some Foster's Freeze. (Source)

frisky whiskers

2011-01-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

TMZ is reporting that Rapper T.I. was sent to a "Special Housing Unit" by prison officials this weekend after guards caught the inmate getting frisky with his wife, Tiny, during visiting hours. Apparently, the two were in a visitors room together at Arkansas State Prison, when Tiny's hands got tangled in her husband's soul patch. According to prison guidelines, inmates are allowed to kiss and embrace at the beginning and at the end of a visit as well as hold hands, but "the inmate’s hands must remain in plain view of Visiting Room staff at all times." In her defense, maybe Tiny's hands were cold and she just wanted to warm them up in that fluffy muff.

she will be gloved

2011-01-07T05:14:00.000-08:00

Adam Levine has stripped down to raise awareness for prostate cancer. Says the Moron 5 lead singer, "I spend most of my life naked. In fact, I often have to be told by the people around me that it's inappropriate to be as naked as I am. But I live in California, where it's always warm, so why not?" Huh? Yeah, that's what I said. Judging by his quote, this is more about everyone seeing Adam's smokin' hot body than about the cause. I just feel sorry for the poor girl that has to pose so precariously close to an asshole.

w = whoreable

2010-10-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

W Magazine chose Kim Kardashian to grace the cover of their annual "Art Issue." Although Kim recently said that she regrets getting naked for Playboy, it's different when you cover your titties in silver paint and call it art.

bone collins

2010-10-14T11:08:00.001-07:00

When I was young, everybody on screen was gorgeous. I have to say there aren't many good-looking actresses around today. I mean there's Angelina Jolie and... there's Angelina Jolie. Jennifer Aniston is cute but I wouldn't call her beautiful. She's no Ava [Gardner] or Lana [Turner]." -- Joan Collins, Goddess of Gorgeous

a small favre

2010-10-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre has been accused by New York Jets reporter Jenn Sterger of sending pictures along with some hideous messages that showed he wanted to be involved with her sexually. If these pictures are real, then his fans will be very disappointed to know that Favre doesn't just fumble his balls on the field. They also bring new meaning to the phrase "thinking with his little head. (photos after the jump from Deadspin)

a steaming mug of shut the fuck up

2010-09-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan blah blah court blah blah judge blah jail blah blah blah SCRAM bracelet blah blah blah.

2010-08-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

Kiefer Sutherland was spotted hanging out with his girlfriend in Portofino, Italy. And by hanging out, you know what I mean and you know how I like it. Just like my beer. With a little head on it.

hot wings

2010-08-25T01:03:00.000-07:00

Just to be fair, let's also post some pictures of the always glamorous, never, ever nonphotogenic Angelina Jolie. Between the extremely flattering cut of the dress, to the prison tats, and chicken wings, Madame Jolie exudes grace and poise. Never mind when she is caught in a candid, side wave, underboob shot, that it reminds you of all those starving children she cries real tears of blood over. Someone give her a young child to feed on, so that her veins will stop pulsating.

oh no they didn't!

2010-08-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

Those hilarious peeps at ONTD always have the latest, greatest, hottest shit. And as much as it seems I love to dog her, these pictures of Jennifer Aniston aren't half as evil as the comments over at that website. They are so fucking funny. (Source)

send in the frowns

2010-08-18T00:49:00.000-07:00

In throwing up in your mouth a lot news, TMZ is reporting that Brittany Murphy's mother Sharon told investigators that she shared a bed with her daughter's husband Simon Monjack after Brittany passed away ... this according to sources close to the investigation following Monjack's death.

According to the report, the investigator and Sharon were going through the master bedroom in the Hollywood Hills home that Simon shared with Brittany, the same room in which the couple both died. Sharon pointed to one side of Simon's bed and identified it as "her" side of the bed. Sharon also told the investigator that certain prescriptions in the nightstand -- bearing the names Sharon Murphy and Sharon Monjack -- were also hers.

The report doesn't suggest sexual contact between the two. As if that makes it better.

people who need people

2010-08-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

Mainly people like Jennifer Aniston, who needs people ... to tell her to stop embarrassing herself by pretending to be people she ain't. In this month's Harper's Bazaar, Aniston goes harpy bizarre channeling Barbara Streisand. Why? Because obviously the people at Harper's want people to laugh at people who desperately need people.

no one dies in the end, but this guy wins. cue U2

2010-08-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

top 4: have you really really really really really really really really

2010-08-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

I am so depleted of energy from the soul-sucking death rattle that is American Idol, that I don't have the stamina to type. But I will attempt to out of sheer determination and will, get through this show. Because I'm an overachiever and perfectionist. And I always finish what I start. Boy, will those words come back to bite me in the ass.

They've stopped doing the disembodied announcer intro and the judge intro and the Seacrest intro to Seacrest doing the intro intro. And so...this is American Idol. Twinkly Kelly was sent home, so only four remain. The best of the best. They can't be stopped. Well, actually, they can, which is why someone will get voted off until eventually there is one winner. Movie night. Jamie Foxx. Role clip of Jamie movies, so that we know why he's back again. It can't be for the singing, because we all remember that robot voice song he sang about a-a-a-a-alcohol. Jamie says something profound to the effect that "music is the soundtrack to our lives and also the soundtrack to our movies." It's like if the Dalai Lama said, "religion is the spirituality of our spirit and also the religiousness to our religion." Something like that.

Tonight we will hear the contestants sing a movie song, but also dueting on movie songs, because this year's Idol is about mixing things up. And by mixing things up, I mean making shit up as they go along. I'm not kidding either. Because Jamie brings out these tshirts that read "ARTIST" and "CONTESTANT" and the singers have to earn whichever category they fall under, depending on their ability. Some shit like that. And speaking of making shit up. I'm typing this from memory, since the show has been over for about 3 months and I'm still trying to finish what I started. I have a bunch of notes, a few keyed-in drafts, and my pure gumption. So here goes nothing.

Lee: Kiss from a Rose. Not one note on key. Randy said it didn't work. Ellen agreed, like it matters. Kara flutters and spurs and buzzes. Simon says karaoke. Lee gets a "CONTESTANT" shirt. I drink.

Mike: Let me be There. It's Michael Jackson for that Free Willy movie, which is kind of ironic, but I shouldn't be making fun of a dead guy, sooo...a wallet chain? Really, Mike? Randy said it was a'ight. Ellen finally gets booed. Kara...zzzz. Simon doesn't understand why he chose a song about a whale named Willy. Which I said first. I drink.

DUET # 1: Lee/Powerpuff: Falling Slowly I called Wheezer and Powderkeg for the final two and this performance makes me not a liar. They blow the shit out of the judges minds. Even simon calls it fantastic and does that weird scratching, jerking, tic-filled thing he does when his nipples become erect from hearing good singing.

Casey: Mrs Robinson. Ukelele. Me cougar. You, Casey. Randy wasn't blown away. Ellen defers to Kara who is so ready to give him a blowjob after Casey so obviously tried to seduce her. Simon called it lazy. I don't drink, because I am so depressed already.

Powerbottom: I'm Alright. Yeah. The one from Caddyshack with the dancing rodent. You know the one that everyone thought was so funny in the credits dancing to Kenny Loggins? Everyone but me, that is. Ridiculous. Gophers are more into Kenny Rogers, everyone knows that. Powerpants is wearing a dress that looks as if she had just fought a dingo who stole her baby. Did I say it was a Kenny Loggins song? Not anymore. It's been Bowersoxed. Randy says nice job. He must be constipated or hungry or something and just want to get near a toilet or a taco. Ellen rattles words around so quickly that it makes me pass out only to regain consciousness in time to hear Kara warbling like a turkey. Simon says Bowerbomb is redeemed and I drink the fuck out of whatever it is I'm drinking. But that's only because I know I'm gonna need it for what's next.

DUET #2: Casey/Lynche: Have you really really really really really really really loved a woman? Big Mike smokes the surfer in the vocal department, no surprise there. Randy loved the guitar and loved the sexy softness, unless he's thinking about toilet paper and/or smores. Ellen says she has loved a woman, which is the first time she says anything that even remotely isn't babbling. Kara simply cannot follow that. Simon says the duets are brilliant. My liver explodes.

top 5: fly me to the tune

2010-05-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

Ryan's teeth are so white, I am dazzled by their brilliance. I barely notice that Simon's nipples are combed and pinched within an inch of their life in a shirt opened to his navel. Kara's still having rusty hinge issues with her jaw. Randy has no fucking clue where he is. And Ellen is scared shitless. If she bombs here, she really has no future except interviewing Alyssa Milano about her newest shitastic project. Don't ask why I picked Alyssa Milano. I have no idea if she's even still alive. Tonight's mentor is Harry Connick, Jr. and since I love his zipetty-doo-daaa accent and that movie Hope Floats he made with America's Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, I feel warm and fuzzy inside until I find out it's Sinatra Night. Holy shit balls. And this...is American Idol.

Twinkie Kelly "Fly Me To The Moon". Twinkers is sooo off-key and pansyish that I can't wait for Simon to rip him a new one. Randy is all blah blah blah. Ellen liked it. Kara gets booed. Simon compared it to a lion and a mouse. No one cares. What the fuck. A million tweenagers are twexting or bookfacing or spaceflying or whatever it is these kids do to vote for idols like Old Twinkle Toes.
Casey Flames "Blue Skies From Blue Eyes" It's like Eddie Vedder and Frank Sinatra got into a sing-off and neither wins. Instead, they usurp each others individuality and wind up being a bland blonde with extremely horrible vocal abilities. Harry Connick agrees with me and that's all that matters.
Crystal Powerpump "Summer Winds" Bowersox finally hit that glass ceiling. Randy calls it sleepy or maybe Randy is sleepy, I dunno dawg. Ellen stammers and stutters and yammers and yutters. Kara "kind of" liked it, but not the way anyone "kind of" likes Kara. No one "kind of" anythings in regards to Kara. You hate her or you hate her more. Simon gets the heebie-jeebies from her song choice and ... is he really even paying attention? Let's face it, he's done with this assholery of a show and is already booking flights back to Mordor or Lord Voldemort's castle or wherever blood suckers such as himself go to lay around in their piles of money and body fluids.
Big Mike "The Way You look Tonight" Drinking word for Big Mike? Soulful? Sexy? Jazzy? Vandrossy? That fat ass is a personal trainer? In my imaginary universe where we eat Twinkies® and drink milkshakes. Everyone raves on and on, but personally, I don't see how this lummox made it into Top 12. Especially the way he looks each and every night.
Lee DeWheeze. "That's Life" I was thinking the same thing myself when this they escort Wheezy out after his goodbye clip. Wheezer sounds like Frank Sinatra's mechanic after a smoke break and trying to clear a flight of stairs. Randy speaks and words come out. Ellen says something about Connick's Cock. Kara still has tears from lord knows what. Simon says Leez was not as obnoxious to watch, but mentions nothing about his singing, which means it remained as obnoxious as ever

I can't even venture to guess which one of these bottom feeders are the worst. Because the whole show blows and I can't believe I have invested so much in it, only to realize that it's time I will never regain. I am hoping Big Mike gets flown to the moon, but I have a feeling Old Blue Balls Casey McFuckup may not have things going my way. And by my way, I mean his way. See what I did there?

top 6: that don't impress me much

2010-05-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

I don't even tune in for the first few minutes anymore. Watching Ryan shamelessly try to save the sinking ship that is Idol, while the rest of the judges go through the motions, is confusing and depressing. It's like that one time when I was a kid and the derelict Santa at the mall smelled like booze. The show has become like the moment I discovered Santa Claus wasn't real. Tonight's mentor is Shania Twain, who I happen to love, but have second doubts when she glosses over the contribution of her dog of a husband, Mutt Lange as cowriter.. And this...is American Idol.

Lee "You're Still The One" Wheezy starts off on the wrong note and rides it all the way through. But since I've already predicted him as one of the final two, the judges don't disappoint. Randy does that whole "Man, I don't know, dawg, I just don't know....how you did it, but I love it." Ellen is happy to be able to pull out her "All Aboard the Shania Twain" joke and it is as icky as it sounds. Kara says stuff that makes her jaw move. Simon agrees with everyone and just wants to get on and over with this, so that he can get his paycheck and move the hell on.
Big "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing" Mike Possibly one of my most favorite Shania songs. And one of my least favorite Idol contestants. I didn't hate it. But I still want to punch Mike in the vocal chords. Randy says he found his "zone" as if that's a compliment that this big lug can sing a girly song. Ellen was nervous and she compares him to Luther Vandross, which makes about as much sense as it doesn't. Kara gesticulates with jawbone and hands. Simon calls his performance wet and that starts the whole what the fook is up with that whacky Brit panel discussion. Talk about your filler.
Casey "Don't" James. The stylists need to back away from the hair. He's got more product on him than the clearance table at Fantastic Sam's. Randy declares it the best Casey James performance ever. Because everyone has to sound like someone, Ellen compares him to Bob Seger. Kara blinks her eyes and starts pecking at the ground. Simon agrees with Randy, but not in a good way.
Crystal "No One Needs to Know" Power Slacks. Some Hippy Shit. Obvious fillibustering, since Power Bottom is getting boringly predictable, Randy loved it even though it wasn't his favorite performance. Ellen says not only was it not her favorite performance but ditto everything the fat guy before her said. Kara flaps her lips so much that it ruffles Powersocks feathers. Simon says "we" don't like PowerPants, as in the royal we, which may be right since a lot of us are tired of the guitar, dreads, Joplin, same-songy approach. But I still think PowderToes is going to face off with Wheezy for an "I got this, bitch" sing off.
Twinkie "You Got A Way" Kelly. Super nasally. Makes you appreciate the subtle vocal styling of Miss Twain. Randy calls it his "wheelhouse" cause he likes mixing his phrases up, dawg. Ellen says it's tough, but has no comparison, like Twinkie sings like kd lang's untalented little sister. Yeah, he's a dude. You do the math. Kara squawks loudly, eats a worm and then starts nesting. Simon loves him and it's obvious he and Ryan have great plans for Twink which involve going on holiday with beards as decoys for the press and everyone coming back with razor burn in the weirdest places.
Siobhan "Any Man of Mine" Magnus. Randy's mouth doesn't match his face or words. Ellen brings the Twain joke out for what has become an extremely awkward attempt at being endearing. Kara's eggs hatch and she begins regurgitating the worms into her baby birds mouths. Simon says it sounded like Siobhan was giving birth. Which is ridiculous since any woman who screeched like that in delivery would get a good dose of "shut the fuck up" drugs and probably something shot into her spine just to ensure she will remain passive and sedate.

fashion weak

2010-05-05T05:33:00.000-07:00

Kobe Bryant is featured in an LA Times profile and fashion shoot that's got everyone saying, "Don't quit your day job." (Source)

bullock for baby

2010-04-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Sandra Bullock has had a really good and bad and now marvelous year, from winning her first Oscar to enduring the breakup of her marriage to her most recent anouncement. For those of you living under a rock, Bullock found out 10 days after the best day of her life (Oscars) which was only a few months after what had to be the most awesome time of her life (announcement), that her husband Jesse James was sleeping with several women, notably one Miss Bombshell McGee. Pretty soon everyone figured out the guy who was previously married to a porn star and who's company logo bears a striking resemblance to a Nazi emblem, was also into Hitler paraphanelia. Shocking, I know. That said guy would have questionable judgment, considering he's a dad and all... Meanwhile, as all of this is going on without her knowledge, Sandra is filming a movie about a privileged white woman who adopts a black child. Eventually picking up numerous awards for a public performance in reel life while privately keeping a secret in real life. Today, Bullock announced only moments after her petition for divorce from James in Texas became public, that she is now the proud single mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. Bullock and James, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January, but decided to keep the news until after the Oscars.

That's why I love Sandy. Life imitating art has never been realized better than any other actress. Hope Floats, While You Were Sleeping, The Blind Side. I'm crying and it's not even a movie. (Source)

top 7: don't stop...the morphine

2010-04-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

You would think that having major surgery would stop me from giving two shits about amateurs singing, but something about having a button for morphine, throwing up in a bucket and simultaneously watching Inspirational Night on Idol is a perfect fit. While the anesthesia is wearing off, Alicia Keys is named as the mentor, and the searing pain in the nerve center of my brain feels like an axe is being buried deep into the frontal lobe of my skull. But it's okay. I can do this. And this is...American Idol.
Casey "Bucky Covington" James. "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac. Alicia would like him to connect with it because ever since Clinton used this song during his campaign, it only means don't stop believing that you can dupe Americans as an awesome president while getting blowjobs in the Oval Office. I mean, he was sort of awesome when he was doing his job, but that whole Lewinsky thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Simon must have felt the same way or just isn't a Lindsay Buckingham fan, because he says it's not very inspiring. And my nurse comes in to check my vitals. Quit blocking the TV, Nurse Wretched.
Lee "Wheezy" DeWeeze. "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel. Simon bitchily says the song sounded really current, which was an obvious dig at the first performance. I think they both blow chunks, and speaking of, between the blinding headache and the vomit bucket, I'm talking figuratively and literally.
Tim "Not So" Urban. "Better Days" by GooGoo Dolls . Simon is over Tim and his breathy vocals. I roll myself and my IV into the bathroom for my first piss since the catheter was removed.
Aaron "Twinkie" Kelly. "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly. Simon says Aaron should be cherished, both for himself and singing such a tough song. I don't even know if we're listening to the same performance, or if the constant fullness of my bladder and an R. Kelly song makes me think about pissing so much.
Siobhan "Crazy Face" McGee. "When You Believe" from Prince of Egypt. Simon calls it a dumb choice and old-fashioned. As I lay in a hospital room, covered in flop sweat and desperately trying to keep liquids down, I begin to question my priorities.
Big Mike. "Hero" by Three Doors Down. I'm relieved that it's not the Mariah Carey song, but pissed that I thought Ryan said Heroes by David Bowie, and was thisclose to actually thinking this fat fucker was going to move up in cool points. But no, it was the typical sappy bullshit that Biggy always sings with his fake macho faces and those goddamn riffs and runs. Simon wasn't touched and I'm losing consciousness quickly.
Crystal "Power Bottom" Bowersox. "People Get Ready" by Whoever. Power Socks starts off a capella and then brings in the choir and even cries on the last note. Tears and all. Simon says that it was inspiring, and that he's happy to see her emotions, but I'm more inspired to turn the TV off and try not to even imagine the two hour clusterfuck that is Idol Gives Back which is tomorrow night's results night.

Not only will I NOT recap that craptacular infomercial, I will probably be pressing the button for morphine every two minutes, just to get through it. Especially since no one ever gets voted off on the night of giving, for goodness sake. Sure, my priorities may be all fucked up by watching it, but there's no way I'm gonna miss the experience of Idol while drugged out of my mind.

immaculate erection

2010-04-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

Churchgoers are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus. This controversy has caused a deep divide among members of St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church, where it hangs above the main altar. Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering Jesus’ abdominal area. Rev. Philip Seeton, the church’s pastor said the portion of the crucifix in question is meant to be Jesus’ abdomen "showing distension” — not a penis. Judge for yourself, or cast the first stone, or whatever it says in churchy history. But I find it amusing that more people are offended by what appears to be a penis, than an actual depiction of someone being crucified.(Source)

top 9: caught in a crap

2010-04-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

I'm still feelin Bieber Fever and a bit of diaper rash from last week. But watching tonight's AI, my little girl parts are thoroughly confused by the appearance of Adam "Glambert" as mentor on Elvis night. Wait. Elvis was gay? Or am I a lesbian? I love Glamby. So I'm all on board with this. And this...is American Idol.

Crystal Powerlungs is awesome, as usual. If by awesome, I meant hippyish. With a dose of Etheridge. But never mind that. Is Kara wearing camouflage? More like camouflawed. It's gonna be a long night.
I thought MexiGokey was alright singing Hound Dog. The judges tear him a new asshole. Simon said the coolness has been sucked out of him. That's usually when a contestant knows it's the end of the road. At least in this case everyone is on the same page.
Tim Urban sings the wise men say song. Although there is a lot of awkward flirting back and forth between mentor and mentee, Glam can't get past second base with Urban. But dammit, if he doesn't keep trying. And trying. And trying.
Lee Wheeze. I can't even remember if it's Jailhouse Rock or Viva Las Vegas. Whatever it is, the judges act like it's the second coming of Elvis. Me? I think Jailhouse Vegas has never been more memorable. Moving on...
Twinkie Pelvis struts to Blue Suede Shoesies. Simon said although Tinkerbell looks like an 8-year old at a talent show, he fails to make his performances young or original. I sorta agree. Twinkster seems like he would have buyers remorse and return his blue suedes shoes. Especially after the kids in the playground make fun of him.
Cuckoo Face. Caught in a Trap. A trap like her hair. And a trap like her really shitty attitude when any of the judges say she's nucking futz. Get out of that trap, Nutter Butter. Put the razor blades down. And get out.
Katie. Last week, My Favorite Martian unplugged her motherboard, scrubbed off the whore paint and sang a very stripped down version of a Beatles song. Tonight, Droid dips back into her digital rolodex of beauty pageant talent shows and does a jitterbuggy Elvis song that is 50 years behind the times. I don't even bother to listen to what the judges think because it's that bad.
Casey Lovington. Lawdy Clawdy... or something. Stop me if you've heard this one before, but I still remember that time when Case first auditioned and the lady judges asked him to take his shirt off. His body looked like what I would imagine it would feel like the first time you poked the Pillsbury Doughbuy. So smooth and soft and malleable. Deliciously warm right out of the oven. The judges must like crescent rolls too, because Casey gets two thumbs in. His adorable torso.
Big Mike. In the Ghetto. Judging his flipped up collar, manicured nails, and the custom fedora on his XXL head, I'm gonna guess Mike ain't got no idea what it's like in the ghetto. But, let's face it. We're talking about Elvis. What else would this big lug sing? Teddy Bear?
**************************
Tonight's results night has a double elimination, which makes Ryan's weaseliness twice as annoying, Kara loopy times two, Ellen's face doubly confused, Randy two times as clueless and Simon's nipples dually erect. Get it? Double elimination means everything is magnified by two.

Before I can even process the performance night recap, cheesy Ford commercial, cloying Idol Gives Back reel where Kara pretends that she likes kissing AIDS babies, Twink, Cowboy, and TexMexGoke are pulled aside. Hound Dog is going home. Not gonna say I'll miss him, although I think Crazy Girl needs a one-way ticket to So Long Ville.

Just to get the stink off, we get more stink put on. Look! It's last season's Brooke White, who finally dropped the Carol King act and is now trying to steal Shania Twain's thunder. But this time, Brooke has an even newer, desperate gimmick. A young ponytailed stud who cannot harmonize if his life depended on it. This uncomfortably bad performance segues into the equally as horrific Adam Lambert. Glams has strobe lights and lots of Wicked makeup and broad theatrics. It's like legal eyeball ecstasy during the family hour. No time to bask in the afterglow of a fisting by Lambert because the freakishly tiny Seacrest calls Katie Bot, Big Mike, and (Heavens to Murgatroid) Quim Urban. Wise men say Urban is safe. So the big black guy and the creepy white girl are pretty much the outcasts of America. Mike sang for his life last week, so this has to be really embarrassing for him. There's no way I can hear his rendition of that Maxwell song for another ear-raping performance, so I breathe a huge sigh of relief when Stepford Katie is sent packing. Until she starts singing, that is. Katie's human tears short out her circuit board and so every note makes my TV flicker. Let it be, Katie, let it be.

rebuke of earl

2010-04-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

top 9: all my flubbin'

2010-04-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

7:15 PM. Kookla's Kompound. Power outage. Sweating bullets for 45 minutes, even after checking with So Cal Edison on how soon they can get the power back up. Smooth-voiced brother tells me "within the next hour." So..by my calculations, I will miss 5 minutes preamble, 2.5 synthesizer, 3.75 Seacrest and Cowell flirting, 1.75 Ellen stumbling and fumfering her words, 0.25 Kara so fuckin high on Paula's same drugs and -0.09 Randy, like a Muppet, minus the personality. Please keep in mind. This is all going on in my head. Because the power is out at my house.

7:59 PM If my life were a cartoon, a lightbulb would flash over my head. In the dark. I remember I can get YouTube and the intraweb on my new Droid® cellphone from We're Vibin' Wireless. So, I launch that sucker at 0.75% battery level.

8:13 PM The first performance I find is: Aaron Twinklebottom. The Long and Winding Road. Who am I kidding? There's no way I'm gonna make it through this. On a cellphone. But the quality isn't that bad. And the power is out. It's either this or talk to people.
8:15 PM Smoke break.
8:45 PM Watch Crazy Nutter, BowerPants, Latin Gokey, and some other stuff. Ford commercial. Lose track of time. Eat popcorn. Fast food restaurant. Onion rings. Fish sammich. Soda. Home.
POWER BACK ON AT SOME POINT.
10:15 PM YouTubing on the laptop. Lee Dewheeze. Hey Jude. No really. That Hey Jude. The one by those guys with the funny haircuts and the funnier accents. Look, a bagpipe shows up. Too bad Wheezy ate the same thing I did and then smoked them Camels behind the 7-11. Because he has no endurance and gets winded halfway through the song.
Big Mike. Eleanor Rigby. Hat. Guitar. Buffering. Don't want to tempt fate with the power. Don't get too attached, it might go out again. I decide to bail, so as not to suck precious electrical juice. I don't even last through the judging.
Katie The Droid Idol. Let it Be. I hunker down for some major eyeball rolling. Instead, I am reminded of a young LeAnn Rimes. You know. Before becoming a child bride with the nice young feller who was a little light in the loafers. And then cheating on him with the nice young feller with the dimples. Anyway, the judges agree. Katie was good tonight. LeAnn Rimes good.
Casey Lovington. Jealous Guy. It's like the homeless dude on the promenade that one night who was really creative with a 3-string guitar and even though he doesn't really sing on key, he sounds sort of okay. Put some money in his hat and let's go grab a Starbucks.
12:00 AM Talking to my computer and typing in the dark. Really need to reprioritize my life. Hoping I have some time in the near future to stop communicating through a machine. And of course, I am communicating that heartfelt sentiment through this blog.
*******************
RESULTS NIGHTS
Live tonight. Watching. Typing. In honor of a thing called Electricity. Thanks to Edison for inventing it. And computers and those that invented those. But, I digress. The show has started.
LENNON MCCARTNEY GROUP SINGALONG MEDLEY! GOT TO GET U IN 2 MY LIFE. HERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE. SHE LOVES U!!!
Another smoke break makes me miss Kara's new "artist" on her label. What's His Name McGee. But none of that matters because as soon as I have glass of wine in hand and sit down...
David Archuleta descends from gilded angel wings. Imagine. All. The. People.
I have to admit. Working. Blogging. Twittering. New technology. Not easy. I'm eating and I come back to all this kerfluffle as Spanish Gokehead and Big Bad Mike are the bottom two with Emo Hair. Emo Hair is safe. So's MexiGoke. Big Mike is going home. Big Mike gets to sing for his life and pulls something from the wayback machine when competing for Top 24. Maxwell. A Woman's Worth. More kerfluffing from the judges. And of course a save for the big lug with the worth of a woman.

top 10: ain't no funshine

2010-03-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

Things haven't changed much since last week. Forced camraderie and hobknobbing happens behind the curtain. Ellen and Simon pretending to get along and actually hugging. Me throwing up in my mouth a little. Kara and Randy quivering in the corner fearing for their jobs. Disembodied announcer. Then disembodied Ryan Seacrest. And this...is American Idol.

Tonight's theme is R&B, so naturally Usher is the mentor. No coincidence that his CD is about to drop. Today. But I loves me some Usher. Which makes last week's Miley Cyrus appearance but a distant memory.

Nutsy Crazypants. Through The Wire. There's a good reason they let psychos go first. Usher takes the high road and says she's a good singer. But my ears beg to differ. If crazy were a melody, Nutso can hit that note every time. Simon further humiliates Crazy Face by mispronouncing her name and making fun of her outfit. Oddly enough, this time the audience's boos are not as loud as last time. Still doesn't matter. An entire community of misunderstood teenaged girls will text in their votes in between bouts of cutting themselves.

Bucky Cuddleton. Honestly, I don't even know what the song is. I just want this country humpkin to let out his ponytail, put down his guitar and take off his shirt. Just like he did when he auditioned for Posh and Kara. I can't even process what the judges are saying because Ellen Degeneres looks like she picked up her outfit at Pee Wee Herman's yard sale.

Big Mike comes out holding like a guitar looking like a ukelele in his big old paws. Sings something I immediately forget. There's something about this guy that doesn't give me the warm fuzzies. He's sort of like a jerky Ruben Studdard.

Deedee Hoozits comes out and has a nervous breakdown singing "Some song about hum hum broken hearted?" She's so old timey that you can smell the Windsong. The judges do a fantastic job humiliating her even more and move on to the kid with the sideswept hair...

Holy Anita Baker. Emo Hair Dude is wailing Sweet Love. I'm outside of the house and I can still hear the caterwauling. The only way I can describe it is if Anita Baker ran over a kid on his skateboard and all you could hear is him screaming bloody murder at the top of lungs. Sweet love, indeed.

Katie The Real Doll. Chain of Fools. White girl does 'retha. How original. The judges fall all over themselves to tear her to shit. Randy says "uh yeah no yeah no." Ellen says "yeah no yeah no yeah no." Kara is all "uh yeah no yeah no uh uh uh" and Simon says "That was shit." Are we clear? 15 minutes later, they're still babbling about Chain O' Foos girl and Simon is in his limo on the way home.

Lee DeWyze. Treat Her Like A Lady. Wheezy should be his stage name. Lazy Lee sounds like Dave Matthews and Eddie Vedder ate the lead singer of Creed and shit him out in a Soundgarden. And that pile of Soundgarden shit started singing.

Powersox hits another home run. Bottom of the 8th.

This season's Gokey with the glasses and pudginess, but no dead wife, sings that Chris Brown song about doubling your pleasure like the mint gum song in the commercial and that Youtube wedding dance that went viral. This time, Fake Gokey mixes it up by playing the song on an acoustic guitar, sitting on a stool and adding his own funky sauce. Yep, just like the time before. And the time before that.

Little Glitterpants sings Ain't No Sunshine like it was a new song. I don't mean new in a good way. I mean, he sang it like he never heard the original, and if he had, would have known better than to attempt it tonight. Usher wisely advises Piss Pants to not make that "I know" part so repetitive, so Twinkie Toes totally nails it in rehearsal by sprinkling it with bluesy soul. But then, chokes on stage like a sissy and sleepwalks through the crucial refrain....And scene.

BOTTOM THREE PREDICTIONS: Nutsy, DeeDum and Emo. With Deedrool going home because she's like the unhip aunt who sings at family get togethers.

UPDATE: Bottom three is Small Wonder Katie, DumDum and Emo. DeeDee goes home and I have the fortunate pleasure of missing her sing herself off.

bummin' out

2010-03-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

Saggy asses get an instant lift with a butt bra. The Bumkini is worn under clothes and holds up your badonkadonk, giving it a firm look to rival curvy stars like Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce. The "device" was invented by Californian psychologist Dr. Karin Hart (yes, a woman) after she lost weight and started to lose shape in her behind. Most alarming part? The female psychologist with the body issues is a practicing therapist. Talk about needing to get your ass together.

top 11: the power of ugh

2010-03-25T14:49:00.000-07:00

I've tried. I've really tried. Blogging about the douchery that is American Idol is perhaps the most gratifying experience for me besides knocking shit over in a store when a cashier is rude. But the suckiness of the void left by Crazy Pills Paula and the addition to the judging panel of the useles Mr. D. Generes, really knocked the wind out of my sails this season. Last week was the Top 12, but all I could do is rip my hair out in protest at the talentless warbling, uninspired song selection, overjudgmental judging and forced camraderie between Simon and that blonde dude lady. But, I digress. And this...is American Idol.

For some reason, Ryan Seacrest comes out and does a recap of last week's quirky redhead that was sent packing, even after the judges pretended to be deliberating about her unmemorable sing-for-your-life performance that they hoist on all booted contestants as the final stamp of humiliation before harshly rejecting him/her. Then a faceless announcer introduces the judges who walk onto the stage as if they are television royalty. Then the announcer, who we still don't see, yet surprisngly sounds less disembodied than Ryan Seacrest, introduces Ryan Seacrest. Then Seacrest comes back again to introduce the judges. See? This is the shit I'm talkin about. But enough about me. Randy is still as oblivious as ever, Ellen is like a weird old deer trapped in headlights, Kara seems like she's found a stash of meds in Paula's old dressing room, and Simon is so checked out, he's practically comatose. He doesn't even remember redhead's name. And neither do I.

First sign of the Apocalypse? Miley Cyrus is tonight's mentor. The theme has to do with #1 Rock Songs or Billboard Top #1's or hillbilly teenagers dressed like prostitutes. 'm not even sure what the theme is because I'm really not fully invested in any of this.

First up: Lee DeWyze. The Letter. Lee sings as if a cement mixer and Eddie Vedder had a love child that perhaps met with an unfortunate vocal accident and still continued to sing, but not in key or anything. Pelegrim says it's a travesty that the judges didn't mention the Joe Cocker version of "The Letter." Which was soooo much better. I don't think Pelegrim understands how this show works. It's karaoke. It never sounds better than the original.

Paige Something. Against All Odds. No words to explain. Except pitchy dawg. I don't know if Paige has a case of the shits or got some bad news from a family member about a dead uncle. But my ears say she's heading home. Ellen is totally noncommital, once again and stammers and sputters without coming to a conclusion. Randy gets a moment of clarity and calls the performance "honestly, terrible." Wow. I'm going to use that line from now on. Kara calls it the worst of the season. This is only the second elimination from the Top 12. That's gotta hurt.

Tim Urban. Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Tim Urban should star in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's Andrew Lloyd Weber's wet dream. Pelegrim says Tim's dream coat is more monochromatic. I think Tim Urban is gonna be a huge star. You know, like Justin Guarini huge.

Aaron Twinkie. Don't Want To Miss A Thing. I like when Aaron says he has a crush on Miley. Uh, no you don't. I have no idea what's going on with the band and the sound tonight, but it doesn't matter. Tweenagers are gonna shoot Aaron straight to the top. And get their hearts broken when he comes out in a few years.

Crystal PowerShorts. Bobby McGee. Wow. Way to make it your own. I can almost smell the reefer and patchouli. Miley mentoring this hippy dippy chick is totally redonkulous. But not as redonkulous as PowerBottom putting a rug on the stage and then asking Ryan to sit with her "Injun" style. FYI: She didn't make that old timey racist reference, that was all me. I don't know the politically correct way to say it, but that's what my wrinkly, old white lady teacher called it when I was in kingergarden.

Michael Big Guns. When a Man Loves a Woman. You know the drill. A little Luther, a whole lotta Studdard. Almost unhinged my jaw from yawning.

Andrew Garcia. Heard It Through The Grapevine. What can I say? This guy was a dark horse at Hollywood Week who charmed the judges with an acoustically soulful rendition of Paula's "Straight Up" song. Now, Garcia is going to bookend the bottom two along with the shaky vocals of Paige.

Katie WillKillUsAll. Big Girls Don't Cry. Katie reminds me of the creepy kid in Orphan. Katie also looks like she used to perform in beauty pageants as a child. Katie uses a Bumpit®, Flippers™, an alcoholic vocal coach and horrible hair extensions. All the accoutrements of a former Jon Benet Ramsey. Katie can read your mind, so instead of thinking about how much she frightens you, think about a brick wall.

Bucky Fuckington. Power of Love. Yep. That Power of Love. Huey Lewis' Power of Love. And Miley Cyrus is mentoring him. It gets worse from there. Country Surfer gets bored half way through the song and isn't even really singing anymore. It's like when you're singing in the car and you come to a stoplight and a car pulls up alongside yours and you start to sing without moving your lips? Yeah. Casey invented that move.

DeeDee Who? What? Snoozefest. That's who and what. You're No Good. Its...old. Not retro, old. Just plain old. I can't process, nor do I want to since up next to close the show is....

Nutsy Mahoney. I can't wait til she screeches. I should stuff tampons in my ears now. Superstition. Stevie Fucking Wonder. She's gonna wail. And wail she does. Nutter Butter wails so loud that you can see her molars and those weird fucked up teeth that look like another row of teeth behind her molars. She also spits out kooky wisdom like: "It was so mad wicked cool when Miley said my voice had swagger." My eyeballs roll back so far in my head, I get eyeball whiplash. This chick is batshit and lonely girls all over the world are cutting themselves in solidarity.

BOTTOM THREE PREDICTIONS:
Paige, Andrew, DeeDee, although I think for hair and wardrobe alone, our Nutty Buddy should go home. But weird girls who sing into their hairbrushes are going to vote for her.

UPDATE: Bottom three is Paige, Tim and Katie. Paige goes home and there must have been some agreement that they wouldn't torture the viewing audience with her performance of the song responsible for her downfall. Ryan quietly places a bindfold over Paige's eyes, places the last cigarette to her lips, before moving out of the way of the firing squad, while Paige attempts to sing in exchange for the judges to spare her life. But it's too late. The firing squad lift their rifles in Paige's direction and slaughter her in a hail of gunfire, covering the mosh pit audience with bits of flesh and gristle shrapnel. Paige collapses to the floor in a crumpled heap, blood oozing all over the stage, as the American Idol theme synthesizes over the credits.

dummy says what?

2010-03-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

New York Port Authority officers pulled over a 94 Integra with tinted windows and a missing license plate on the Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel. When the driver was asked for his license he volunteered a Tennessee gun permit. When the cop inquired as to why, the fella confessed, "I got a gun on me. In the small of my back." After being asked if he had anything else on him, the idiot fully cooperated by adding, "There's a bag of weed and some pipes." He also had handcuffs, hollow-point bullets and an extra gun magazine. The officer then turned his attention to the passenger, asking if he had anything to admit. The (ahem) gentleman in the above mugshot pointed to the ashtray and said, "There's two [marijuana] blunts in there."

blame canada

2010-03-05T20:04:00.000-08:00

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-10-worst-moose-knuckles-at-the-olympics/

Gotta love the guy on the right.

rhymes with stink

2010-03-05T19:55:00.000-08:00

glorious a-hole

2010-03-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, who has "a history of opposing gay rights," was arrested in Sacramento early this morning for DUI after a CHP officer spotted his SUV weaving in and out of traffic. It's being reported that Ashburn had just left Faces, a gay club in Sacramento. Ashburn, a divorced father with four daughters, was with an unidentified male passenger.

Of course, Ashburn issued a lame apology:

"I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me – my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate."

Well, at least he didn't use the "wide stance" excuse.

susan boyle pantie sniffer gets away

2010-01-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

Actually, the story goes that Susan Boyle returned to her home in Scotland only to find an intruder running past her on his way out the door. But come on, you know that guy was after some soiled Boyle granny panties.

source

say what?

2010-01-25T22:05:00.000-08:00

A woman taking an adult education class at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentaly lost her balance and fell into “The Actor,” a rare Rose Period Picasso, tearing the canvas about six inches along its lower right-hand corner. Remarkably enough, it's not the story in this NY Times article that's interesting ... it's the comments.
• She really fell for that Picasso (rim shot)
• Too bad it wasn't an Andy Warhol painting
• I'm guessing that adult education art class just cut the cocktail hour out of its curriculum
• Just wondering...was she talking on a cell phone?
• Who gives a darn about a painting. Is the human being okay?
• So, if you damage multimillion dollar art in a museum, it's okay...as long as it was an accident? interesting...
And my personal favorite?
• You say, "accidentally lost her balance". As opposed to what, ""deliberately lost her balance?"

willis ain't talkin'

2010-01-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

Guess what? Gary Coleman was arrested in his Utah hometown yesterday on a domestic-violence warrant. County jail records indicate that Coleman, 41, was being held in lieu of $1,725 bail for the 2009 warrant. At least he's keeping that child star curse alive and well.

source

banangelinas split

2010-01-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

I've got to give Kookla her props...especially when they are so long overdue. Why props, you aks? Well, it's because she had predicted this Supercouple split at least a year ago. According to a British report, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ending their relationship and have signed a $330 million split deal. Brad and Angelina have taken legal steps to dissolve their union including how to divide their piles and piles of dough. Oh, and who gets custody of their six kids.

source

audition week, day 1: boston

2010-01-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

I can't believe another year has come and gone. No, I'm not talking about Christmas. I quit that bitch on December 31st. The tree and decorations were down before New Year's Day. I'm talking about AMERICAN IDOL.
The first set of auditions kicks off in ...BOSTON!
Ryan is like a miniature version of Tinkerbell surrounded by the worst of the worse of the human race. How do I know? Because if you're a good singer, you're not gonna be standing in line praying that the people ahead of you die in a fire. If you're talented, you shouldn't have to subject yourself to the humiliation that four (or however many) judges lacking common sense, good taste, common decency or good manners will subject you to. Basically anything common, like decency. Or anything good. Like, taste. But you're here with these people lacking these basic things. Being judged by them.

****
Simon appears, both headlights on high beam, in a teeny-tiny-titty-shirt. White, of course. He's totally asking for it with those tits and chest hair all swirling about into his v-neck. But don't look at his moobs or he'll call you out on it. If you say, "Hey, Dude. What's the deal with your nipples?" he'll give you one of those arched-eyebrowed sideways glances. Randy's outfit shouts, "I spent the hiatus buying more cheap, ugly clothes online!" As usual, Randy has no idea where he is and looks into the wrong camera every time. Kara WhatsHerName arrives looking relieved that she doesn't have to sit next to First Lady of Resident Crazy, but she keeps looking over her shoulder, half-expecting Paula to jump out and Ryan laughing at her with his fake guffaw. Like a really fucked up episode of Punk'd. Don't you think Kara wakes up every night in flop sweat wondering what she's done with her life? They're coming to get you, Kara. Speaking of crazy, the first guest judge to replace Paula is ... Victoria Beckham??? Excuse my disbelief, but Posh Spice judging singing is like...Sarah Palin judging grammar. Posh looks so thrilled to be in Boston that she does a few quick lip thrusts to show she is pleased and does the Supermodel Pose 101: Left foot forward, right hip thrusted, chest concave. I'm so distracted by Posh's greasy face and horrendous fashion choices, which include a hair cumberbund ala Norma Desmond, that I don't even remember what she did to get famous.

****
So, Let's just get on with this, shall we? Some highlights include:
First Girl starting off with the handicapped brother angle. Harsh, I know, but if you heard her, you'd get me. So her mediocre rendition of "Hallelujah" gets her through to Hollywood. It's okay, they have a quota. There's plenty of time to clean house after donating to charity.
Britney Freak singing "Womanizer. A guy singing Britney Spears is exactly as bad as you think. Weird, screechy, neurotic. Not nearly as entertaining as it is terrifying. That wasn't a "real" Britney fan, because that was so low-budget lame.
Elton John-singing "loner" wants to "touch" the world." Pimples, weirdness and, once he opens his mouth, no talent as well. Wow. You've made it to the weird audition reel. Blogger Ryan texts me "That guy touched America in a totally different way." Please get to know your neighbors. Seriously. Google them.
REJECTION REEL: Tears. Drama. So much devastation and crying that you get rejection overload. I can't even feel bad for any of them. They really need to be told the truth.
Anime Freaky Girl does Janis Joplin. She's horrible, but not nearly as bad as her wardrobe choice. It's like someone from Second Life came into this life with the weird clothes, but not the good-looking avatar. I had a long dress that I cut into a vest and wore over an ironic t-shirt and a jean skirt with killer monster boots. In my nightmares. All that's missing are the Freddy Kreuger blades.
Creepy Serial Killer looks like a cross between Michael Ian Black and the weird guy that sat behind you in science class. He loooOoooved dissecting things. Judging by the actory-act, this AI guy might be a "plant". Unfortunately his talent is not enough to sustain him as the new Norman Gentle. We like talent with our creepy. Sorry, Frog Killer.
You knew it was a matter of time before an Alicia Keys wannabe shows up. She hits the highs and lows with a practiced-before-the-mirror spiritualessness. Blogger Ryan texts, "She made it her own." Tongue in cheek, of course. Anyone can make an Alicia Keys song their own. Trust me. Even me. Especially practiced-before-the-mirror.
Next up? Sexy Face sings Let's Get It On. Let's get him off. Shall we?
TIME FOR A BREAK: I want take a buff puff to Posh's face and pull a comb through her hair. I seriously haven't seen that much grease since I stopped eating fried chicken. BREAK OVER.
Mariah Carey Lady does that fucked up thing that Mimi does with the vocal acrobatics and riffs and runs, but it's all three keys off from whatever note is the right one. My head hurts from too much wine and not enough actual singing.
For lack of a better description Dude Lady has arrived. What the fuck? It's like if Goat Boy, Michael Jackson, Prince, A Mechanic and Elvis mixed their DNA with some sort of lady girl. I don't know how to describe it. The first time I saw it, was like the first time I saw any of those things I listed. Between the sweet mullet, the weird facial hair, the feminine features and the .. look it's a Dude Lady. That's all I got to say about that.
Nigerian Guy comes out and I all I can think of is explosive underwear. I don't know if it's too soon to joke about it. But this Nigerian is singing George Strait, which totally catches me by surprise . He's not half-bad. Can this guy change our mind about Nigerian terrorists? I don't think so. But I think if they send him to Hollywood, they better make sure they sniff his underwear before they let him onto the plane.

mr. jackson, if you're nasty

2010-01-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

If you wait for it, it will come. Remember last week when Gary Coleman threatened to sue the producers of his new film "Midgets vs Mascots" because they failed to remove a scene that showed his penis? Well, I smell viral marketing because there is NOOOOOoooooOOOOOO way we would be asking "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?" if Gary was packing that much Arnold in his Jackson. (Source)

chapping tatum

2010-01-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

Channing Tatum opens up in the February Issue of Details magazine about surviving a painful accident that caused severe burns to his penis. While shooting the drama The Eagle of the Ninth in the freezing cold Scottish Highlands, Tatum would pouring a mix of boiling water and river water into his suit. A member of the crew forgot to dilute the kettle water, with cold water and accidentally poured scalding water. Tatum says, As I was trying to pull the suit away to get away from the boiling water, the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick." Unfortunately, I wasn't around to kiss it and make it better.

just beckause...

2010-01-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

David Beckham is not helping my New Year's resolution to stop stalking him.

dog on it

2010-01-09T15:29:00.000-08:00

No. We are not promoting bestiality. These photos are actually promoting the clothes.(Source)

that's cole, man

2010-01-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

As if things weren't bad enough for Gary Coleman, what with being a tiny curmudgeon and the kidney thing. Not to mention his recent seizure in a hotel room. Coleman was release from the hospital just in time to start a legal fight regarding his nude scene in a movie called "Midgets vs. Mascots." The film is a documentary about little people like Coleman taking on mascots in a "Jackass"-style competition for a million-dollar prize. In one sequence, Coleman tries to break up a locker-room fight. His robe flies open revealing his chocolate vienna sausage . Coleman wanted the scene cut and flew to Los Angeles to meet with the film producers who released a statement, "With regards to Gary Coleman's displeasure with a scene in the film in which he briefly shows full frontal nudity. The producers of the film have multiple contracts signed by Gary which give the filmmakers full rights and permissions to shoot any and all footage, including nudity, during the making of the film." Which means, if Arnold's Jackson is on film, you will definitely see pictures here.

tiger by the tale

2010-01-05T00:16:00.000-08:00

Photographer Annie Leibovitz said she tried to capture Tiger Woods as the “intensely competitive athlete” he is for Vanity Fair's February issue. Shot before the scandal broke, the pictures - including the cover shot of a bare-chested, stoic Tiger lifting weights - help cement Leibovitz' often controversial imagery when it comes to racial undertones and/or scandal plagued photography. Much like the Miley Cyrus nude photos, the current pictures of Tiger show him sexy and shirtless, which is totally out of character from the goody two shoe image the golfer has tried to maintain throughout his career. And yes, I totally typed out the word sexy with only a hint of irony and a little bit of throwup in my mouth.

out with the old, in with the new

2009-12-31T21:45:00.000-08:00

I hope you're happy, 2009. You're the year that made Barack Obama the President of the United States. And introduced us to Michelle . Such great role models. But you're also the year that made Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna. We were so close to having a perfect year. And by we, I mean blacks. But, let's not forget, Jon and Kate. Plus Eight. And then the other Kate. Or the Skank. I wish I could remember who came first. Thanks also for Twilight. Gosh. I can't get enough of those kids. Well, technically, only the TwiWolf is a kid. The Vampire and The Lesbian are full blown adults who smoke cigarettes and shack up together. To make us think they're both straight. Oops, Did I say that out loud? In Memoriam, 2009 killed the following: Bea Arthur, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Johnny Castle aka Patrick Swayze. No one puts Swayze in a corner. Except Pancreatic Cancer. And then Oprah quits? Are you done with us 2009? Can we just declare photo bombing as the hottest trend in the new decade and be done with it already. (Photo via Getty) <

taylor trashed

2009-12-30T13:46:00.000-08:00

It's like that, 2009? LIke my heart couldn't take enough from one of the Jonas Brother's forced into a shotgun wedding, now you have to end Taylor Squared? Look, I don't want much out of life. If Joe Jonas feels the need to break Taylor Swift's heart with Camilla Bell, only to get it stomped on like so much karma. And Selena Gomez didn't appreciate the potential in Taylor Lautner kicking his sweet ass so gently to the curb. Then so be it. But the ink isn't even dry on my TEAM TAYLORS t-shirt and now they're dunzo. The country singer/actress broke up with the hunky werewolf because according to a source clost to Swift, "It wasn't really developing into anything, and wasn't going to, so they decided they were better as friends. There was no chemistry, and it felt contrived. ... They plan to stay friends."

bros your load

2009-12-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

Well, it was only a matter of time before it were legal for lady-boys and horses to marry. Because ironically clean-shavened Kevin Jonas married the biggest beard on the planet, Danielle Something Or Other. Kevin chose their wedding venue, because it looked like an enchanted castle. He also got glass slippers made for Danielle adding, "I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle. I've never seen a more beautiful bride." All Danielle could muster up was, "I couldn't have imagined this." Her father escorted Mrs. Future Jonas Bonus down the aisle to "Bella Note" from Lady and the Tramp. Seriously, this wedding couldn't get any gayer if Carson Cressley were best man.

BREAKING NEWS

2009-12-12T12:35:00.000-08:00

The Artist Known as Prince has released some scandalous messages from Tiger Woods, proving that the two men were in a long term torrid affair. No, Not really. But all this Tiger stuff reminds me of when Pelegrim and I went to see Prince perform at Mandalay Bay. Tiger Woods came up on stage to say a few words about his Tiger Jam charity and to thank Prince for donating proceeds from the concert to his foundation. Yep. That's the whole story. Honestly, Tiger Woods is boring. And creepy. And ugly.

hood wink

2009-12-09T17:59:00.000-08:00

Coming to a head and crotch near you. The Hood Thong hasn't gone into full production, but they are taking custom orders on their website. You will be wearing the most progressive, functional, temperature-controlled pieces of fashion around. It may be a bit expensive, but once they start mass producing them in a sweatshop in China, your HoodThong is totally worth every penny. Plus, you get the added bonus of a piece of clothing that will smell like scalp, ass and pussy. (Source)

tiger beat

2009-11-30T12:43:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods, who was originally listed in "serious" condition after being involved in a single car crash near his home in Florida early Friday morning, was upgraded to "good" condition after being released from Health Central Hospital with facial lacerations. Here's where things get sketchy: The crash occurred at 2:20 AM. Woods struck a fire hydrant and then a tree on a neighbor's property and police say alcohol was not a factor. Now authorities are saying the early morning accident came right after an argument with his wife, Elin Nordegren. Nordegren confirmed the argument at the scene of the accident and Tiger gave the same story to authorities at the hospital where he was treated. According to police reports, Nordegren smashed out the back window of Tiger's car to help get him out and also retrieved some medication the golfer may have taken. Since that time, several reports have come out that Tiger's wife confronted him with allegations he had cheated on her. She then followed him out of the house and struck the moving vehicle with the golf club, causing him to get distracted and hit the hydrant. After the Florida Highway Patrol went to Tiger's house to attempt to find out the details, Tiger and the missus invoked their right to remain silent. But Tiger didn't remain too silent, posting a message on his website and cancelling an appearance at his own golf tournament. (Source)

UPDATE: After it became obvious that Tiger Woods was getting more pussy than all the terrorists who are partying with 73 virgins a piece IN HELL, Tiger has released a new statement on his website (FINALLY!) on December 11, 2009.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What's most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.
Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period. Sounds like someone caught the Tiger by his tail(s).

gun crazy

2009-11-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

Iver Johnson Revolvers "are not toys: they shoot straight and kill." And yet, "Papa says they won't hurt us." Guns don't kill people. Papas kill people. (Source)

hulk of burning love

2009-11-25T13:01:00.001-08:00

For those of you who think wrestling is fake, you only have to look at these photos to know that if you pull Hulk Hogan's finger, things can only get worse from there.

i feel pretty

2009-11-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Luis Venegas a Madrid-based editor of fashion and art publications has launched his latest magazine called Candy. The first "Transversal Style" magazine. Says Venegas, Candy is the first fashion magazine ever completely dedicated to celebrating transvestism, transexuality, cross dressing and androgyny, in all its manifestations. This issue cover model is Luke Worrall, otherwise known as Kelly Osbournes hot piece of ass. (Source)

have a glass of whine

2009-11-13T15:00:00.000-08:00

Whether you prefer Chardonnay, Merlot or Annie Green Springs, this is the wine glass for you. You can savor the flavor all night long , because thi glass holds up to a full bottle of your favorite vino. Just the right thing for those cozy nights in. You and your liver can cuddle all night long. (Source)

it's satan, bitch

2009-11-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears has joined the Illuminati. News at 11.

harry p. ness

2009-11-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

moo-riah

2009-11-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

Look, nobody is a bigger fan of the craziness that is Mariah Carey than Kookla. I love to see what Mimi's going to squeeze her tig old bitties and greasy thighs into next. But how many videos can a diva have of themselves greased up in a too-small bikini relying on the advanced technology of digital retouching to fool everyone into thinking they're still the "Prisoner of Love" fighting weight? I guess if you're Mariah, every chance you get.

jake me off

2009-10-29T14:53:00.001-07:00

porn reborn

2009-10-29T14:48:00.001-07:00

Yeah. I know, it's too easy. But I'm a fan of Reborn as Porn. So sue me. Please submit any suggestions, you know, like Forrest Hump.(Source)

namby pamby lamby

2009-10-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

"I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn't mean I'm necessarily sleeping with them." Adam "Glambert" Lambert in Details.

is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

2009-10-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

An Arizona homicide investigation now includes three deaths after a woman died more than a week after participating in a James Arthur Ray sweat lodge ceremony that hospitalized nearly two dozen people.
Liz Neuman of Minnesota died Saturday at a Flagstaff hospital, Yavapai County sheriff's spokesman Dwight D'Evelyn said.
The 49-year-old suffered multiple organ damage (including kidney) during the Oct. 8 ceremony at a resort near Sedona, a resort town 115 miles north of Phoenix that draws many in the New Age spiritual movement.

up, up and away

2009-10-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

For anyone in the world that happened to be navel-gazing, under a rock, painting their toenails or dozing off after shooting up heroin, they may have missed the saga of Balloon Boy unfolding in the sky above their heads. On Thursday, the National Guard and sheriff's helicopters were involved in a frantic rescue effort for more than two hours to save 6-year-old Falcon Heene, who was believed to be aboard a homemade helium-filled balloon that floated high over Colorado. After a dramatic landing in a wheat field, a search and rescue effort kicked into gear when they discovered the balloon empty, fearing the boy had fallen out. Falcon emerged hours later after hiding in an attic. In an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, the boy confessed that he was hiding "for a show" prompting accusations that it was all a publicity stunt. Balloon Boy's dad said such accusations were making him angry, explaining that Balloon Boy only said it was for a show on Larry King last night, because earlier when one of the producers asked him to recreate getting into the attic, the producer said it was "for a show." Reality TV fans may remember Balloon Boy's parents from the show Wife Swap. Nothing says good stable parenting like fooling the media and famewhoring yourself out for reality television.

heading down the highway

2009-10-13T12:50:00.001-07:00

An Australian woman accused of performing a sexual act on a man when he crashed in (of all places) the rural area of Darwin claims the allegation is "absolutely wrong". Allyson White said the seatbelt mark across her chest was proof the claims of "amorous activities" with the driver were not true. Sayeth the lady, "I was not sucking his dick - and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest. Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his dick unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a fucking rubber neck. It didn't happen like that at all - he was just going too fast." In her defense, this frail and delicate lady also added, "It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me. But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job." (Source)

oh lord

2009-10-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

Jesus has been spotted in the curtains at Barbara Brame's homes in Bishopville, SC. You don't think Jesus would kick it on a hot southern day while catfish is frying in the pan and Barbara is listening to gospel music from her transistor radio? Well, then you don't know Christ. Not only is he still hanging out in those curtains, but come to find out Jesus is one of those old motherfuckers with a long gray beard who looks sort of like John Phillips from the Mamas and the Papas. If he were exhumed, that is. Talk about your shroud of turd bins. (Source)

damsels in dis dress

2009-10-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Nothing gets me in a better mood than seeing a bunch of douchebags get their asses handed to them by a couple of trannies. Hang out in the parking lot of Benito's Tacos in WeHo any night of the week and you'll witness hate-on-straight crimes being perpetrated by many a lady dude in fishnets and stilletos, especially if you disprespect them on their turf. Two punks from South Wales were terrorizing people on the street when they came across a couple of cross-dressing dudes, who actually winded up being cage fighters dressed in drag for a party. At about 1:15 mark, the cage fighters hand a smackdown to the guys and still manages to find the time to grab his glittery clutch purse and make it to the party, with nary a run in his stocking. (Source)

take my wife, please

2009-10-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

CNN reports, David Letterman offered a "heartfelt" apology before a live studio audience to his wife and female staffers over last week's "sextortion" revelations. Thursday night, Letterman revealed he had sex with members of his staff and testified about those liaisons before a New York grand jury for a case involving an alleged attempted extortion. A CBS producer is accused of threatening to go public with allegedly embarrassing information about Letterman's private life in exchange for $2 million. Letterman admitted the sexual relationships very publicly on his show, and now most videos of the segment have been taken down over the weekend at the request of CBS.

something's fishy

2009-09-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

A Houston woman who was angry with her ex-husband fried their pet goldfish and ate some of them. The couple argued earlier about jewelry the man had taken. She wanted the jewelry returned. The man called police and said the woman took the goldfish from his apartment. Officers who were dispatched to the woman's home arrived to find four fried goldfish on a plate. The woman said she already ate the other three. Police say it's a civil matter and no charges will be filed. (Source)

goth damn!

2009-09-28T16:51:00.000-07:00

President Obama and First Lady Michelle, pictured with Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, and his wife and daughters, made front-page news back in Madrid. Spanish law prevents the Spanish media from running any photographs of Zapatero's 13 and 26-year-old daughters Alba and Laura. But something tells me Zapatero just didn't want us all to know that their kids are way cooler than Malia and Sasha. Goth on, Girls!

broke ass

2009-09-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

According to Star Magazine, Pamela Anderson owes more than $1.2 million to creditors, including unpaid renovations to her Malibu Colony McMansion last year. According to the contractor, Anderson has an outstanding balance "for labor, materials and subcontractors" to remodel her main house and construct foundations for her guest house.” Said a spokesman for another company owed money from working on Pam's house, “Putting food on the table isn’t easy in this economy. When someone doesn’t pay their bills, it’s that much harder!”

Perhaps this broke-assed revelation might explain Pamzilla in New Zealand debuting her new fashion line with Richie Richie. Puhleeze. I wear this mess every morning after a weeknight with Pelegrim.

you lie

2009-09-14T12:47:00.001-07:00

We all heard it, saw it, Twittered it, were disgusted by it. Once again, Kanye West does not allow someone to just be great.

phlegm o'fish

2009-09-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, this ugly creature from the sunless depths of the Pacific became a major export whose bounty, it seemed, was limitless. As the appetite for fish destroyed the world's resources of red snapper, monkfish and tuna, commercial fleets searched deeper waters to satiate demand. The deeper they searched, the slimier it got. Yet the supply was plentiful. One of the most popular bottom dwellers was the hoki, or whiptail, a bug-eyed specimen found far down in the waters around New Zealand. The scientific jury is still out, but critics warn that the hoki fishery is losing its oceanic sustainability. McDonald’s alone at one time used roughly 15 million pounds of it each year, but the overfished population can't meet up with the demand for their most popular seafood sandwich. That's right. The one with the tartar sauce. Add Filet O'Fish to my list of "Things I Don't Eat." (Source)

baby got front

2009-09-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

If you're fashion-forward, Siwy Jeans are skinny black denims in the back, and mesh in the front. Great for letting your knees cool off durng summer and available at Shopbop for just $242. You know the saying,"Everything old is new again?" Well, I wore this trend in the 80s, only backwards, because I needed extra reinforcement on my knees back then.

(Source)

michael jackson still dead

2009-09-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson was finally laid to rest 70 days after his death. Jackson's family and about 200 of their closest friends gathered on a hill Thursday evening for their final farewell to the pop singer. Jackson was entombed inside a crypt at the well-guarded and ornate Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California. Among the guests were McCauley Culkin, Elizabeth Taylor, Lisa Marie Presley and Chris Tucker.

stfu

2009-09-03T10:27:00.000-07:00

The Grumpiest Walmart Greeter in the World Award goes to...Roger Stephens. Stephens has been charged with felony cruelty to children for allegedly slapping a crying 2-year-old girl in an Atlanta Walmart. Authorities say the girl and her mother were shopping Monday when the toddler began crying. Stephens approached the mother and said, "If you don't shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you." Stephens then grabbed the 2-year-old and slapped her four or five times. The child began screaming and Stephens was arrested. Police say an examination showed the girl's face was slightly red.

Of course I was kidding, Stephens was not the WalMart greeter. But oddly enough, he was buying a case of hemmorhoidal cream and picking up his prescription of chill pills. (Source)

let's get this party started

2009-08-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

Here in the states, we have the boring and predictable American Idol. In the UK, they have The X-Factor. It may boast one of the same judges, and they may be looking for someone who is the full package, but even they come up a little short. Steve here is not as hot as Susan Boyle, and definitely doesn't have as good a tuck game as she does.

what in the universe

2009-08-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

"I grew up watching Britney Spears. That’s someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise. I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I’m ready to be the next pop galaxy, so here we go.”

No typos. All word for word.

megan wants a murderer

2009-08-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

An arrest warrant for murder has been issued for Ryan Jenkins, wanted in the death of his ex-wife Jasmine Fiore, a former swimsuit model, whose nude body was found over the weekend in Orange County. The body was found Saturday stuffed into a suitcase inside a dumpster behind an apartment complex in Buena Park. Her teeth had been extracted and her fingers removed. Police officers in Blaine, Washington recovered a black BMW SUV with a boat trailer and a boat belonging to Jenkins just south of the Canadian border saying, "It's now our belief that he has now crossed the border on foot." Jenkins, who appeared on VH1 shows, "Megan Wants a Millionaire" and "I Love Money 3, is believed to be armed.

UPDATE: VH1 reality star and murder suspect, Ryan Jenkins, accused of killing his model ex-wife, Jasmine Fiore, was found dead in a motel in Canada today, police confirm. It appears Ryan Jenkins "took his own life," Royal Canadian Mounted Police Sgt. Duncan Pound told the Vancouver Sun. He was found hanging inside his room at the Thunderbird Motel in Hope, British Columbia.

baby baster

2009-08-21T12:31:00.001-07:00

Sears is my favorite place to shop for appliances. And not just for my sexy new washer and dryer, fridge, dishwasher and range. Just last weekend, I purchased an air compressor and nail gun. Lets' face it, where else can you go to buy anything from underwear to power tools and have a minimum payment of $6, let alone no payment and no interest for a year? So imagine how thrilled I was to see that my favorite department store is currently offering a grill on their website under the categories, Human Cooking > Grills to Cook Babies and More > Body Part Roaster.   Calls to the customer service rep for an explanation were answered by a person exclaiming "Oh my God. This is horrible. Oh my God."
(Source)

amber alert

2009-08-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

I can't lie. Since the beginning of this year I was on a mission to change my diet and lifestyle. I stopped eating meat, became a vegetarian and started working out like a maniac. My goal? To hit Miami Beach and wear a butt floss bikini while hanging out with Kanye West. Unfortunately, I am still 4 weeks short of my goal, so Amber Rose beat me to it!

McZZzzZZZZZ

2009-08-18T13:56:00.001-07:00

Everyone loves a sex tape scandal, mostly because of the sex. Unfortunately, there's a whole lot of tape and no sex in the Eric "McSteamy" Dane and Rebecca Gayheart video. Stripped naked with former Miss Teen USA Kari Ann Peniche the married couple are stoned out of their minds as they lay naked in bed with Peniche at her apartment. They also chill in a Jacuzzi together and discuss their porn names. McStupid's lawyer says, "This is not a sex tape," he adds. "It's guys having fun, hanging out together. There is no sex involved in this." No seriously, he's not kidding. But that doesn't mean I didn't look long and hard enough for a screen capture of some McPeeny.

Check out Defamer/Gawker's play-by-play. It really is alot more interesting than the tape itself.

NSFH*

2009-08-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

Look, I'm an equal opportunity nude celebrity blogger, so I thought it would only be fair for me to give the men folks some genitalia to ogle. Unfortunately, the only female that has less discretion than me when it comes to short dresses sans panties, is the terrifying Vaginal Flytrap that is Naomi Campbell. Nay-Nay needs to rub some cocoa butter on her ass and nethers and maybe learn to tuck it a little better. In one photo, you can totally spot her Lady Gaga.

(*Not Safe For Humans)

NSFW

2009-08-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

You know how it is with the rich and famous. They love taking naked pictures of themselves. Sometimes you get underage boobies, hairy twats or teeny tiny penises (Fred Durst, I'm talking about you). But every once in awhile, a naked celebrity self portrait comes along that makes you realize that all men are not created equal. 'Specially when it comes to Jamie Foxx. I'm pretty sure there will be no cease and desists for this photo getting leaked to the internet.
(Source)

purple mays

2009-08-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

An autopsy report concludes several drugs, including cocaine contributed to the sudden death of pitchman Billy Mays back in June. Official documents show the following drugs were in Mays' system -- Hydrocodone (Vicodin), Oxycodone (painkiller), Alprazolam (Xanax), Nordiazepam (Valium), Benzoylecgonine (byproduct of cocaine) and Temazepam (anti-anxiety), and Ethanol (alcohol). Mays died in his sleep on June 28 at his home in Florida. Billy's widow released a statement saying, "We are extremely disappointed by the press release released by the Hillsborough County medical examiner's office. We believe it contains speculative conclusions that are frankly unnecessary and tend to obscure the conclusion that Billy suffered from chronic, untreated hypertension", adding, "His use of prescription pain medication for his hip condition was guided by his physician and was at recommended usage levels." Which doesn't make me feel any better about my stingy HMO doctor who never prescribes anything beyond free samples of Motrin.

i can't believe it's not butt hairs

2009-08-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

Do you suffer from pungent pits" Foul feet? Beastly butt odor? Well, Doc Bottoms all natural Aspray is just what you need. How many of you wish you had this so you could covertly spray it in the direction of your plumber's crack while he's fixing your dishwasher?

cheese with that whine?

2009-08-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

HEY WHITEYS! Honest to blog, doesn't it make you pitch a bitch that Girl Scouts don't have organic, gluten-free cookies? Doesn't it twist your Armani man-panties that you're USB ports on your MacBook are on the left? Wish a package engineer would do something about the fact that your Fiji Water bottle doesn't fit in the cupholder of your Saab? Well, good news. WHITE WHINE is the website where you can let it all off your chest with your fellow white whiners. It's tough being white, but it's even tougher to be privileged. A few complaints:

• My fingers are sore from texting.

• I just have NOTHING that I can wear to France! I’m going to look like such American trash.

• Man, I really wish On Demand had scene selection.

(Source)

no words

2009-08-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

Via Twitter (Paula Abdul)

slow news day

2009-08-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

This just in from FreakingNews.com ... Psychologists recommend - the best way for parents to emotionally connect with their babies, is to pretend they are babies too. Coming back to their childhood vision of life, parents will share emotions free of life experience and prejudices. In other words, in moments of play and joy with their children, parents should simply turn into oversized babies.

Your serve, Pelegrim. (Source)

fat friday

2009-07-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Fatties! July 31st (today, for those of you too fat to get off the couch and look at a calendar) is the 40th anniversary of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. NAAFA members are gathering at a national convention in Washington, D.C to push their agenda. The all-volunteer group, comprising some 11,000 members nationwide, will use the meeting to raise funds, lobby congressional leaders and stage a plus-sized fashion show — all in the name of promoting awareness of fat issues. What are you doing to promote obesity? I celebrated by stopping into Jack in the Crack for a Fish Sandwich Combo with Onion Rings and a Large Coke. I ate it all at the first stoplight I came to and then threw the trash out the window in honor of those lazy assholes who can never muster up the energy to make it to a garbage can. FAT POWER!

(Source)

chew on this

2009-07-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

Now that Michael Vick paid his debt, should the NFL let him play? Apparently, the NFL says yes. Michael Vick was reinstated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday and could play in regular-season games as early as October. If he can find a team that will sign him. A number of teams have already said they would not.

Vick has released a statement, in part which reads: "I fully understand that playing football in the NFL is a privilege, not a right, and I am truly thankful for the opportunity I have been given. As you can imagine, the last two years have given me time to re-evaluate my life, mature as an individual and fully understand the terrible mistakes I have made in the past and what type of life I must lead moving forward." And since being released from his 23 month sentence, Vick has already taken some steps to begin rebuilding his image and showing remorse. He met with the president of the Humane Society of the United States while serving the first 18 months of his federal sentence in the prison at Leavenworth, Kan. He plans to work with HSUS in a program designed to steer inner city youth away from dogfighting.

Those are great steps in moving forward, but some feel it will take a lot longer to forget that Vick participated in the killing of dogs that didn't perform well in test fights by shooting, hanging, drowning or slamming them to the ground. Some dogs were swung around by the neck and killed for not fighting or not fighting well enough. Most were beaten and forcibly bred on a "rape stand." So while Vick may have served his time and may have learned from this experience, I wonder if participating in a sport that depends on brute strength and testosterone, might not be the greatest step for Michael Vick.

baby babble

2009-07-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

If you think Satan is dead, fear not. Lucifer is alive and wreaking havoc. A San Antonio woman is being held on $1 million bail in the killing of her 3½-week-old son. Police say the newborn was dismembered, his face torn away and his brains ripped out. She had apparently eaten the brains, three toes and other body parts before stabbing herself. She was charged with capital murder and is being treated at a hospital for self-inflicted stab wounds. The mother told officers the devil made her do it.

(Source)

tush and bush

2009-07-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

For those of you who said it wouldn't last, you were right. Whatshername and Whatshisname have split. "Nobody cheated," a source close to the couple says. "This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions." Judging by the Ebonics, I'm guessing the source was Beggie Rush.

Click here to see the most romantic moments between this who gives a fuck couple.

oktoberfest

2009-07-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

Back in the 19th century, Kaiser Wilhelm II defined a role for women (later taken over by the Nazis) as "Kirche, Kueche, Kinder" (church, kitchen, children.) Obviously, times have changed.

bleed it

2009-07-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

Gruesome photos have emerged showing how drugs ravaged Michael Jackson's legs. Bruises, needle marks and a large wound can be seen in the images. The photos were released by Michael's father Joe to show his son had vitiligo, the skin-whitening disease, which Jackson had always claimed he'd had. A specialist says it is unusual to inject drugs into the legs and would only be done if no veins in the upper body were accessible. The blackness of the wound is believed to be the result of necrosis, the death of most or all the cells in tissue due to disease.

Enjoy your lunch! Source

pitty full

2009-07-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

Brad Pitt is trying to stay relevant by appearing in the latest issue of Wired magazine in a section called "Ask The Basterd" in which the actor answers questions as his character in the new Quentin Tarantino movie Inglorious Basterds. Relying on readers to suspend disbelief over whether Pitt can actually use modern technology including a computer, the internet, and Bluetooth, Lt. Aldo Raine says the following about texting while taking a shit. ""Just be sure you don't hit the wrong button and end up putting a photo of your junk on Twitter. Trust me, you don't want those followers." And we've all seen Brad's junk and it's nothing to Twitter about.

mama likey

2009-07-14T22:50:00.001-07:00

For those of you that are new to The Rant (and you know who you are) this site is about penis, sex, gratuitous penis and sex, and then some whacky stupid shit, like things you can attach to your penis and, on rare occasions, poke into your vagina. But everyone knows what Mama Likey. Like this and this and especially this. Gather round, kiddies, because Mama's past and now current Likey has a very special, super-duper, sweet feature in GQ Magazine. I dare any of you to look through this pictorial of my future boy toy, Channing Tatum and tell me one thing that is wrong with him. One thing. I dare you. You can't. And you can't look away. And by the way, that underwear photo? It's not from the GQ feature, it's one from my personal collection. Me and Chan like to take showers in our BVDs. It feels dirty and clean at the same time. Jealous? I thought so.

Read this to understand what Mama Likey in a man.(Source)

three's more than company

2009-07-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

TMZ says "Three's Company" star Joyce DeWitt was arrested for DUI on July 4th in El Segundo, California. DeWitt drove past a barricade Saturday afternoon -- and when an officer approached her, she smelled like booze. She was given field sobriety tests and then arrested for suspicion of DUI. Judging by the mugshot, I'm thinking driving under the influence of booze and meds.

pick up the pieces

2009-07-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. When it comes to the Celebrity Deathpool, 2009 was a bitch. Most recently, Bea Arthur, David Carradine, Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett. Even this week, Fred Travelena and Karl Malden. But none have made quite the impact with death, than Michael Jackson and Pizza The Hut Himself, Dom Deluise. Luckily they both live on in celluloid and on YouTube.